Information for Partners & Family Members - Lisa Donley
Lisa Donley has run the Psycho Social Services for Breastlink for the past 10 years. She has provided huge support and helped devise useful and practical solutions for our patients and their partners and families.
We believe that not only the patient but the entire family network is impacted by the diagnosis and treatment for breast cancer. Out of respect for the fundamental impact of this disease on the patient's support system, we hope to acknowledge and promote the physical, mental and emotional health and well being of the patient, her partner and the extended family and support network. As primary caregivers for the patient, partners frequently suffer silently. While partners do not make the ultimate decision regarding treatment they are critical to the information gathering process and in helping to sustain the patient through treatment and beyond. Of critical importance in sustaining the ability of partners to support the patient are the following fundamentals of patient care and self care:
- Being emotionally and, if possible, physically available to support the patient in doctor's visits, chemotherapy visits, etc., as requested by the patient. This is done with the understanding that the support is ideally offered by the partner rather than having to be requested by the patient.
- Assisting the patient in re-allocating family responsibilities, when necessary.
- Helping the patient to prioritize the tasks which the patient is invested in maintaining control over and providing and coordinating options for the completion of these tasks. The task itself is less important than the sense of self esteem and/or intimacy with her family that the patient receives in the performance of what she deems to be "her" responsibilities. It is the "essence" of the connection which must be preserved not the attachment to a specific task.
- Partners must be encouraged to acknowledge their own feelings about the process of treatment, including but not limited to changes in intimate and sexual contact as well as the body image of his partner.
- A partner must be supported in reaching to family and friends for the support that he and the patient deem necessary in order to maintain their norms. Most family and friends will want to offer support as determined by the patient/partner. Unwanted intrusion, as opposed to support, must be limited. Appropriate boundaries around intrusive or inappropriate behaviors can be facilitated through discussion with the oncologist who will assist in defining the kinds of support that will be most helpful and provide directives to extended family and friends as needed.
- Partners will want to be additionally available to children to answer questions and to provide a sense of stability and continuity of contact.
- Educating children about changes in their normal routines in a positive and proactive manner that re-iterates the importance of the child's needs and, when age appropriate, their input. Additionally, educating children about changes they may observe in the patient noting that these changes are temporary and encouraging them to ask questions. Also, children appreciate special one-on-one opportunities for contact with both parents as well as special adults who have had historic contact with them.
- As much as possible partners must be encouraged to maintain a sense of normalcy in job and past-times. Taking time for self, for play and to simply de-compress from the new "norms" that have been thrust upon him/her.
Your treatment team should be available to discuss partner and family concerns including but not limited to practical concerns, such as insurance coverage, and financial concerns, transportation needs, in-home assistance needs, respite care for caregivers, and the psychosocial needs of the patient, partner and family in addition to the direct demands of the prescribed medical treatment.
Please do not hesitate to educate your treatment team regarding your needs as a caregiver. The entire family system bears the heartache and uncertainty that surround a breast cancer diagnosis. Your concerns are critical to the recovery of the entire family from your partner's breast cancer diagnosis and treatment.
For further information on support services offered to breastlink patients click here.
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Resources
www.annieappleseedproject.org
www.menagainstbreastcancer.org
Books
Helping Your Mate Fight Breast Cancer: Tips for Becoming an Effective Support Partner for the One You Love During the Breast Cancer Experience, Kneece, Judy C., Edu Care Inc., 4th Edition, revised 2001.
Helping the Woman You Love Recover from Breast Cancer, Murcia, Andy, Stewart, Bob, St. Martin's Press, Reprint edition (1991).
When Life Becomes Precious: The Essential Guide for Patient's, Loved Ones, and Friends of Those Facing Serious Illness, Babcock, Elise, Bantam (January 1, 1997).
Love is a Journey: Couples Facing Cancer, Stricklin, Gary J., Ph.D. & Latona, Jan, Ph.D., Greyrock Publishing LLE (December 15, 1999).
When a Parent Has Cancer: A Guide to Caring for Your Children, Harphan, Wendy S., HarperCollins (February 26, 1997).
Coming Out of Cancer: Writings From the Lesbian Cancer Epidemic, Brownwork, Victoria, Edison. Seal Press, October 1, 2000.
Cancer in the Family: Helping Children Cope With a Parent's Illness, Heiney, Sue P., Edison, Herman, Johns, F., Bliss, Katherine.
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